Finding me...

That moment you remember you had a blog. One you had just started and were real on. You dig and dig and finally find it. You read the last post you wrote and go numb.

That night...if you asked me when my marriage was done, I go back to that night. I had no clue I blogged about it. And it ended with...here goes single momming it for a while...if only i knew.

Fast forward 3 years...

I've been a single mom for 2 years now. I'm divorced. I'm in the process of buying a home. Just broke up with my boyfriend of a year, and am trying to find a new "community". This stage in life is hard. Not bad, just hard. I am a far happier and better person today than i was two years ago. Removing my kids and i from numerous kinds of abuse was the best thing I ever did for us. Hardest thing...but best. Yes, i'm lonely. Yes, i hate going to work. Yes, I miss raising my kids and being a part of every detail of their lives...but I wouldn't change it.

Why? Let me tell you. I've spent the last few years finding me again. Who I am in Christ, who I am as a mom, who I am as an employee, a daughter, a friend and even a girlfriend. It's not all easy, and there are things i'm still discovering...but i'm finding ME. I've made some bad decisions, some good decisions, some mediocre decisions, but they were MINE. I didn't live in fear. I take that back, I did at times, but I learned how to start coming out of that. I learned that its okay to make my own choices, and learn from my own mistakes. I didn't always make the right ones, but I made a decision, not out of fear. I learned what love is. Im still learning, and have a long way to go, but for the first time...possibly ever, I felt Loved. Beautiful. Wanted. Smart. Worthy. Safe. Free. I attribute that to finding who I am in Christ, and also, to dating a pretty amazing guy.

My heart is broken tonight...again. But its a different broken. I'm no longer a victim in my own world. I read my last post, and i remember those long, ugly, lonely nights. the fear, pain, tears...fear. No one will ever know unless they've been there. It gives me perspective. Yes, my heart is sad. I miss him, I loved him. I cry...a lot. I don't want to be alone. I desire a best friend, a companion, a help mate. Moving on from heart break is hard...but he and "us" taught me so much. I wouldn't change it for a minute.

So tonight, I've been blasted back in time. Re-lived some ugly memories and thought a lot. Yes, my heart is broken, but its broken because i found love and was finally loved in return. I don't regret that heart ache. I'm thankful that i'm no longer that terrified, confused, lonely victim. Drowning and grasping for anything I can get.

I am a child of God. I am strong. I am an overcomer. I am a survivor. I am beautiful. I am able. I am loved...

To the man that walked with me and showed me love. Thank you. I am not loved because of you, but you showed and taught me how to be loved and how to receive and show love again. I am a better person today, because of you.

When we all get to Heaven...

WHAT A DAY OF REJOICING THAT WILL BE!

Where to start...what to say. I haven't posted cuz I don't know how. 3 1/2 weeks ago things got flipped upside down again. After a hard night and contacting our church my husband and I had one day to prepare for him to leave for two weeks of rehab. (Of course, during that time we sold our house so we had to rush and pay for power of attorneys so I could take care of it while he was gone...cuz why would anything go easy?) He went away and from my eyes loved his "guy time". I'm sure rehab was hard and intense, but living with a bunch of guys and going on mandatory movie nights and hikes isn't all that difficult in my eyes. We weren't supposed to talk about anything serious while he was there, and we did pretty good...at first. One night something came up, it turned serious a huge fight erupted and from that point on we didn't talk. It was hard. It's hard always being left behind. Being the strong one. Being everything for your kids, cuz their dad can't. Long story short, it was hell for me and peaceful all at the same time. I actually enjoyed the break away from him. It was nice to keep the house clean and to not have to worry what my husband was doing if I went to bed early.

Then he came home...

Rehab was all about him and nothing about marriage. It taught him how to feel but not how to deal with feeling. It took away his "paci" and replaced it with little to nothing. So our first argument got heated and ugly super quick. I've never seen this side of him and it terrified me. I realized at that point that I had to walk on egg shells around him until we could get into couples counseling. I wasn't safe to be real until we had a mediator. So I've done everything in my power to avoid conflict and keep things peaceful until we can get in.

I am exhausted. Life is hard and I feel like I have no rest, no "me", no even "us. Everything is about him and the kids. Last night I felt like I was going to break. I just needed to go to bed early and have a "me" night. My husband seemed overly supportive of the idea. I really struggled with it. Why is he being so nice. Why is he being so helpful. He must be up to something. And then I remembered his words. Time and time again he says, "give me the opportunity to succeed". So I did. I went to bed at 8 with the kids. I begged him to be good, and to be in bed by 11 and if he wouldn't mind pick up a little bit. He said no problem! He would clean and get kids to bed no biggie! I had mixed emotions in how to handle it, but decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Of course, I got burned. I woke at 11:30 to no husband. I walked out and nothing was clean and he was hiding around the corner. I looked him straight in the eye and asked if he had been looking at porn. He swore he hadn't. I said, you know how this looks, and went back to bed. This morning he was acting weird again. So I asked again. To which his reply was the same. When asked a third time he said, I was going to tell you this afternoon. Just not yet.

He can go 2 weeks at rehab but not 2 weeks at home, and he lied?

I'm at my wits end. I can honestly say, I have done everything I can to work things out, but you can't make someone change. I sat down to write the hardest email, to date, of my life. I asked him to move out for a month minimum and we could try couples counseling a little longer and see what happens.
I told him this isn't fair to anyone involved. I can't be who I need to be for the kids when I'm so stressed about what he's sneaking around doing...and I won't be his mother.

So several house after receiving the email he called me. His spirits were high and as he said, "he is hopeful about this. Thinks it will be good." Talk about stabbing my heart and jumping on it. That's what every wife dreams to hear. Separation will be good. He says he can't focus on himself while being distracted by the kids and I. This will give him time to do what he needs to for himself. He sounded like he was getting ready for vacation. And to be honest, it probably will be for him.

I feel like I just got beat up. How does a man say this about his wife....HIS KIDS. When do boys grow up and become men. When do they learn to think about anyone other than themselves. When will my needs be met. When will someone care about ME? I have spent the last year and a half of my life pouring everything into saving our marriage. I'm so terrified of my kids growing up in a broken home that I have allowed more than any wife should. Being married to a sex addict SUCKS.

So here I am. In the middle of no where Oklahoma. Moved away from my family. Now separated from my husband, who is excited about this, and with two kids to care for and make things as normal as possible.

It's not pretty. But i know that with God all things are possible. HE will carry me though. He will be my prince. HE will fill that void....but it's still hard, and it still sucks.

that's where I am. That's real, my friends. My life sucks right now. My heart breaks that my children have a daddy who appears to care more about himself than them. Heck, I know this is selfish, but my heart breaks that I married a man who cares more about himself than his marriage....than me. Every girl longs to be chosen. Longs to feel special. Longs to find prince charming. I know no one is perfect....but dang....this is not what I imagined.

So, if you're reading this...which I know no one really is, cuz we haven't told anyone about it. But regardless, if your reading this, pray for this mama. Cuz she is struggling, burnt out and alone. It's not pretty....quite ugly in fact....but real.

Here goes to "single-momming" it...

What is normal?

I avoid the doctor like crazy. I hate it. Every part of it. Sitting on hold to make an appointment, trying to haul my kids in/and or find a babysitter, waiting anxiously in the waiting room wondering if anyone around me has the flu and will I have it when I leave, and then trying to tell someone who doesn't know you what's wrong, in a way that your taken seriously but don't sound like a baby. Can't we just skip the doctor? Well, I do every chance I get. However, a year and a half ago I was falsely (or so we hope) diagnosed with breast cancer. (a year plus ago- yes, a month after finding out about the affair. fun times, huh!?) I went through numerous tests, operations and a surgeries all to in the end be told, "It all looks good, come back in 6 months for a follow up, just to make sure." Well, six months was the month we didn't have health insurance. My husband just got out of the military, and got a new job in Oklahoma. So I had to wait until our new insurance got set up. Then I put it off as long as I could...but my mom and friends found out I hadn't gone in yet. I love them all to pieces. Their great!  But lets be honest, there's a point when you will go to the doctor so you can't stop hearing about it. lol I set up my "yearly" (lets be honest, its been two years) and it was this morning. When I arrived my new doc had my medical records in hand and wanted to talk all about the breast scare. All he had was images, no notes, so he still doesn't like what he sees. So now what should be a follow up MRI has turned into going into a specialist and who knows what else, 'just to make sure'. Not gonna lie...a little nervous about that. I just want it done.

Next, what prescription medications are you on?  Here's where I finally do it. I finally get the nerve to ask for an anti depressant. Even writing it makes me feel like a failure. See, I grew up in extreme legalism. If you were depressed you must not be relying on God and your spiritual walk is not what it should. If your sad, your not giving it to God. If you're worrying you're not relying on Him and so forth. This has been a battle for me for years. I was given anti depressants for my postpartum and to be honest, never took them. They still sit in my cupboard and stare at me. Screaming that I'm a failure, I'm not enough, my walk with the Lord is a mess, can't I just find the 'joy of the Lord'? But the bottom line is this: First, God loves me right where I am, that is a promise I'm desperately trying to believe. Second, I cry a lot. I'm in a new part of the country, with no friends, no family, kids that want to move back and a marriage that is HARD (but getting better!).  And third, my crying and stress leads me to have intense migraines. One that put me in bed most of the day yesterday and almost landed me in the hospital last night. It is past time for me to ask for help. I can't do this alone and being 'tough' isn't working. So I tell the doc. I'm struggling with migraines and depression and really need something to help. We discuss that for a bit and he agrees. (Whew! He's not treating me like i'm crazy yet!)

Then the dreaded pap smear. The whole, spread your legs bald eagle, for a not horrid looking, young doctor, while he digs around in your...well, you know! Can you say nerves high! Naturally, his nurse would be sick so he had someone new. Who knew where nothing is. And naturally everything that could go wrong did. She had to leave the room for new supplies multiple times, he couldn't reach my cervix for the longest time, because I have an abnormal one...ha ha that made me chuckle. Me! abnormal? ya don't say! Anyways, that dreaded thing was done. I'm now sitting up, trying not to shake from nerves on high and...

Now he wants my urine? Why? I've never given urine at a yearly. Oh, we just take your urine make sure you don't have gonorrhea or chlamydia. My heart sank, and I instantly started crying. Ugh! Now I look like the crazy idiot. The doc asked if I was okay. My response, "Do you understand why I need anti depressants now?" He still looked confused and I could tell that response would not suffice. I informed him that my husband had been unfaithful, and that I hadn't been tested, because I couldn't bring myself to do it. Which just opened up a whole slew of questions about how he would like to run blood tests and what not, just to make sure. In tears, I told him I needed more time. The pee was hard enough right now. He agreed to take my blood in two weeks when I go back for a follow up....don't judge me if I don't go.

How do you process this? How am I supposed to feel about this? Should I just ignore it like normal and pretend it doesn't bother me until I don't remember? I'm not really sure. But this I know... last week sucked. I'm struggling with all the emotions of memories from the last couple years. My kids were sick, followed by me getting sick and I'm beyond home sick. Then I got the worst migraine of my life after yesterday's sob fest (refer to folding clothes post) and now they have re opened concern about my breast and want to test me for sexually transmitted diseases. My mind tells me it shouldn't be a big deal, like I should just roll with with this one, but my heart is sad. The last several days I've been holding back tears at every turn and I just want to be normal.... why God? Why can't my life just be 'normal'?

Ruth

A Time For Everything

There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens....Says Ecclesiastes 3:1! You know you are alive when in one weekend there was much weeping and laughing, mourning and dancing!!!! I have been trying to continue to live in Gods Grace. It takes courage to not hide behind all of my self-protection I have diligently built up over the years. But when I have lived a day laughing and weeping, mourning and dancing feeling so ALIVE! I wonder why I settle for anything less! More to come.......

Folding clothes...

Hi, I'll be penning under the name of Ruth. :) I consider myself a very real person, and am quite tired of all the "fakeness" in this world. At times, I may be too real in some peoples eyes, but my prayer in my realness, bluntness or whatever you choose to call it, is that someone else who is right here, right now may find peace in knowing their not alone. I am in the middle of my story. I am in the middle of my life being tossed and turned in every which direction. I'll go more into my story later, but right now I'm just sharing today.

I stayed home from church this morning, as I'm not feeling the best. What I thought would be a time of resting and preparing for the gang to get back, has turned into a time of tears and pain. It's silly and emotional...that I know, but it's real. You see, yesterday was the first "fallish" day we've had. We decided to go to the fair. As I got my kids dressed I realized my daughter had nothing that fit her. She's grown too much since last winter. While putting on outfit after outfit trying to find something warm and long enough she squealed in excitement, "Mommy!!! SHOPPING!!!" It made my heart happy. We don't shop that much, actually she's only been twice, but she loves it. We're at a stage in our life where money is very tight, so I don't even walk into stores to prevent myself from wanting. I called my husband in the room and showed him what we were dealing with. It was obvious a shopping trip was in order for after the fair.
We went to the fair and had a great time. Mid afternoon my husband brought us home so we could nap and took my son back for rides. After we napped we went on our special date. My daughter and I loved every minute of it. Picking out outfits, trying on clothes, telling me what she would and would not wear. (mind you, she is TWO) She kept kissing me and telling me how much she loved me and our date. It melted my heart to have my first real shopping trip with my little girl, and thinking of all that would come in the future. We finished our trip, went and shared some dinner, came home did the bed thing, read a book and tucked her in. She ate up every minute of it, as did I!
This morning I went to put her new clothes away, and what started as, 'this doesn't fit anymore' turned into me cleaning out everything. As I boxed it up, all I could do is sob. I sat in her room with a million thoughts and emotions running through my head and all I could do is cry. Tears of joy, fun, sorrow and bitterness. Seem weird? Not if you know me...I'll share a little going through my head...

Joy, happiness, and fun...This little angel is a crack up. She has been such a blessing in my life. I didn't want a girl, but I am beyond thankful I got one! She's so much like me, sometimes I hate to admit it. She always has me on my toes, always has us in laughter, is beyond hard to discipline because its always funny. When things are hard, she will find a way to make me laugh. She's a cuddle bug and just a pure delight. I wouldn't change a thing. My happy tears are tears of, its gone too quick. I want to freeze time. Two is my favorite age and it's going way too quick.
Then there are my tears of sorrow and bitterness. You see, I wasn't ready to get pregnant when we had her, but my husband was. He was deployed and home for R&R and I couldn't say no. My pregnancy was beyond difficult. I had heart complications  and found myself having to crawl just to take care of my son. We moved 2 weeks after I had her. I got mastitis 3 times and postpartum depression. Life was hard, and I didn't enjoy having a baby. On top of that she became colic. I pretty much cried nightly as I was alone, dealing with her and all she did was scream. Nothing I did could make it stop. It started at 7 every night and went till about 4 in the morning. My husband was house hunting while I lived with my parents until he found something. We eventually moved into our own home. It was the hardest year of my life. My son was 3 and who ever said terrible twos is crazy. Three was HARD! My daughter was colic and my husband and I were trying to learn how to live together since he got back from deployment. I had no friends and was alone. I found myself, unable to function for anything other than tending to the needs of my kids. The idea of showering made me cry. Everything was overwhelming and more than I could handle. I kept trying to reach out to my husband, but found myself in tears every time. I very much considered myself a single parent, until recently. Life went on, but I never found that 'closeness' from my husband I was looking for. At that time, he was a youth leader at our church, leading Bible studies and doing all the "Godly" things. I can't not allow that, can I? So I kept trying to be the good wife. I wanted him to brag on me like everyone else you see. You know, those wives who are 'perfect'. Godly, gorgeous, skinny, cook an amazing meal every night, have a clean home 24/7, amazing mom and so on? Everyone but me is one of those wives, right? So I kept trying...and trying...and trying. While he was at work, I'd cry. All day...every day. When he'd come home, I'd put on that face and do my best. Why wasn't my best enough? Wasn't I good enough, what's wrong with me? So I fell into a deeper and deeper depression and bitterness. I'd cry out to God to help, but felt so alone. Where was God. Why was my husband such a godly leader in our church and among all these boys and yet I'm this horrid, lonely wife bitter about it and in tears every time he turns around? I remember crying one night, begging God to fix our marriage (little did I know what I was truly asking for, what God would allow in our lives to get us where we needed to be.). Whatever it takes, Lord, just help! I'm so lonely,  and I can't keep doing this. Very soon after that night, I found myself checking my husbands email one morning. I'll never forget that day... that email...the pain. My husband was having an affair. The email was all about how wrong I am and right she is. She hit every insecurity I had and told him how she was better and he should choose her. I still didn't believe it. I thought I was reading something wrong. So I called him and asked, he was quiet, and finally said, yes. My life was over as I knew it. Here I am with a baby and 3 year old, a stay at home mom and what do I do now? Well, that's for another time, but all this is going through my head as I fold my daughters clothes and boxing them. (you were starting to wonder what this had to do with cleaning her closet, huh?! :) ) I find myself struggling with feelings of pain, hurt, disappointment and bitterness. Feeling like it's gone way too fast, and wondering how much of HER I missed in the last year and a half because of all the heartache and pain since she's been born. See, we're done having kids, we need to focus on us, and while I LOVE my 'perfect' (ha ha, far from it) family, I wonder what would it be like to have another. Have another with my husband actually here for me, helping me and when I was ready. At the same time, I'm done! Don't want any more. So she is my last. My baby. My angel.
 I look at every outfit and have memories. Memories or when she wore that, and those snap shots we take in our head and heart. I can't help but remember the good and bad. I can't help but be sad at how quick she's growing and wonder how much I missed because my life was falling apart. Did I cherish each moment like I did my son? Did I give her all the love and attention she needed. Did I cherish each hug like it was my last? I will never have a two year old again, have I cherished each moment or have I been too occupied with my life and all the pain and hurt that's been going on?
So here I sit. I love the stage we're in! But I can't help but have mixed tears as I fold each adorable dress and shirt and pant and find myself overwhelmed by feelings of: happiness, laughter, joy, tears, pain and lets be honest...bitterness. Bitterness is such an ugly word. As a Christian, I know it's wrong, but it's real. I know the 'christian' response to me right now. "She shouldn't be bitter, she should be better. Let God heal that bitterness. She must not be relying on God" You may have thought one or two of those things yourself, and it's okay, two years ago I would have too. But let me tell you something. When your world gets ripped upside down, and everything you found security in gets tried and tested, you can't help but have bitterness and anger and pain. It's REAL! I'm not perfect, far from it! But here's what I know: God loves me. He loves me in my bitterness, pain and tears. He's big enough to handle it. And none of us will heal until we walk through the ugly. Until you walk through the ugly, nastiness of your life and heart, you will only be covering up your real heart. So as I walk daily through my ugliness, I strive to heal. To be real. To forgive...to find and rest in the God who loves me right here and now.

That's a lot to go through your head while folding clothes, right?! Maybe now you understand why I'm sobbing as I fold them...for me folding my babies clothes was far more than folding her clothes.

Cabin by the sea

I woke up Friday with an unfamilar excitement in my stomach! Realizing it has been far too long since I have been excited about things. My 18 year old son had asked me and Esther to go with him and his friends to the beach to watch them surf! This is what life is all about. Throwing all laundry, house cleaning, and other boring but needed duties to the wind. Esther and I jumped in the van with the teen-agers, the "Dirty Heads" song "Cabin by the Sea", setting the perfect atmosphere for the day to come! My son actually got embarrassed that I liked the song so much. "MAWM!" he said "do you know what the words say in the song?" "Do you know they are singing about drinking and smoking around the campfire?"  "Yes, I do!" I reply..."and I promise I won't start doing that but I really like this song!" Just as the song says the storm was a no show! The day was warm and the sky was blue and all duties were left far behind. Esther shouting to me over the fun music says she feels like she is cheating and or sneaking off doing something she shouldn't! I understand what she means. How blessed am I though to have a friend who works outside of the home and is a wife and mother who was willing to leave all of that for a day at the beach! Although the boys go with surf boards and wet suits we came with bags of food and coolers of drinks. Oh yes and our puppy! You know you are alive and right where God wants you to be when relationships, Gods creation, yummy food and a puppy is ALL that has meaning for that day!

This day shines brightly in my great year of sadness. My greatest purpose and privilege in life is ending and starting a new season. But I have tremedous sadness as the old season is leaving! And that is the season of being a mom to kids. Yes I know I am still a mom but it changes and I happen to love being a mom of kids! As my youngest leaves off to college I realize this is the conclusion of the destiny that God had for me. at that time in my life! I am fully feeling the impact of the loss of this season. But the day at the beach singing with the "Dirty Heads" feeling like a teen-ager makes me curious of the new season and the new destiny to come!  I am not figuring out what God has in store I am resting and trusting in this transition! That is new for me! Resting and Trusting! The day at the beach told me that everything I have experienced thus far in my life the good the bad and the ugly has been preparing me for a life more beautiful than I could have dreamed, not perfect but beautiful like the day at the beach! 

Beginning

So where do we begin? Let's start with our name truelife and then our ficticious names. Sounds hypocritical? Well we are I guess. But we are 3 women each living in a different age decade who have lived through some of the most difficult hardships, hurts, betrayals, disasters and messes known to man. Through these difficulties we found each other. This blog will be our real lives lived out for all to see but we know that we want to protect our loved ones, hence the fun names! I am Naomi and if you know her in the bible then you can guess I am the oldest of the three of us. I like Naomi have been bitter through lifes difficult blows.But I like Naomi have watched God take bitter water and turn it sweet! Join us on our real life journey as we walk with each other