WHAT A DAY OF REJOICING THAT WILL BE!
Where to start...what to say. I haven't posted cuz I don't know how. 3 1/2 weeks ago things got flipped upside down again. After a hard night and contacting our church my husband and I had one day to prepare for him to leave for two weeks of rehab. (Of course, during that time we sold our house so we had to rush and pay for power of attorneys so I could take care of it while he was gone...cuz why would anything go easy?) He went away and from my eyes loved his "guy time". I'm sure rehab was hard and intense, but living with a bunch of guys and going on mandatory movie nights and hikes isn't all that difficult in my eyes. We weren't supposed to talk about anything serious while he was there, and we did pretty good...at first. One night something came up, it turned serious a huge fight erupted and from that point on we didn't talk. It was hard. It's hard always being left behind. Being the strong one. Being everything for your kids, cuz their dad can't. Long story short, it was hell for me and peaceful all at the same time. I actually enjoyed the break away from him. It was nice to keep the house clean and to not have to worry what my husband was doing if I went to bed early.
Then he came home...
Rehab was all about him and nothing about marriage. It taught him how to feel but not how to deal with feeling. It took away his "paci" and replaced it with little to nothing. So our first argument got heated and ugly super quick. I've never seen this side of him and it terrified me. I realized at that point that I had to walk on egg shells around him until we could get into couples counseling. I wasn't safe to be real until we had a mediator. So I've done everything in my power to avoid conflict and keep things peaceful until we can get in.
I am exhausted. Life is hard and I feel like I have no rest, no "me", no even "us. Everything is about him and the kids. Last night I felt like I was going to break. I just needed to go to bed early and have a "me" night. My husband seemed overly supportive of the idea. I really struggled with it. Why is he being so nice. Why is he being so helpful. He must be up to something. And then I remembered his words. Time and time again he says, "give me the opportunity to succeed". So I did. I went to bed at 8 with the kids. I begged him to be good, and to be in bed by 11 and if he wouldn't mind pick up a little bit. He said no problem! He would clean and get kids to bed no biggie! I had mixed emotions in how to handle it, but decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.
Of course, I got burned. I woke at 11:30 to no husband. I walked out and nothing was clean and he was hiding around the corner. I looked him straight in the eye and asked if he had been looking at porn. He swore he hadn't. I said, you know how this looks, and went back to bed. This morning he was acting weird again. So I asked again. To which his reply was the same. When asked a third time he said, I was going to tell you this afternoon. Just not yet.
He can go 2 weeks at rehab but not 2 weeks at home, and he lied?
I'm at my wits end. I can honestly say, I have done everything I can to work things out, but you can't make someone change. I sat down to write the hardest email, to date, of my life. I asked him to move out for a month minimum and we could try couples counseling a little longer and see what happens.
I told him this isn't fair to anyone involved. I can't be who I need to be for the kids when I'm so stressed about what he's sneaking around doing...and I won't be his mother.
So several house after receiving the email he called me. His spirits were high and as he said, "he is hopeful about this. Thinks it will be good." Talk about stabbing my heart and jumping on it. That's what every wife dreams to hear. Separation will be good. He says he can't focus on himself while being distracted by the kids and I. This will give him time to do what he needs to for himself. He sounded like he was getting ready for vacation. And to be honest, it probably will be for him.
I feel like I just got beat up. How does a man say this about his wife....HIS KIDS. When do boys grow up and become men. When do they learn to think about anyone other than themselves. When will my needs be met. When will someone care about ME? I have spent the last year and a half of my life pouring everything into saving our marriage. I'm so terrified of my kids growing up in a broken home that I have allowed more than any wife should. Being married to a sex addict SUCKS.
So here I am. In the middle of no where Oklahoma. Moved away from my family. Now separated from my husband, who is excited about this, and with two kids to care for and make things as normal as possible.
It's not pretty. But i know that with God all things are possible. HE will carry me though. He will be my prince. HE will fill that void....but it's still hard, and it still sucks.
that's where I am. That's real, my friends. My life sucks right now. My heart breaks that my children have a daddy who appears to care more about himself than them. Heck, I know this is selfish, but my heart breaks that I married a man who cares more about himself than his marriage....than me. Every girl longs to be chosen. Longs to feel special. Longs to find prince charming. I know no one is perfect....but dang....this is not what I imagined.
So, if you're reading this...which I know no one really is, cuz we haven't told anyone about it. But regardless, if your reading this, pray for this mama. Cuz she is struggling, burnt out and alone. It's not pretty....quite ugly in fact....but real.
Here goes to "single-momming" it...
