Finding me...

That moment you remember you had a blog. One you had just started and were real on. You dig and dig and finally find it. You read the last post you wrote and go numb.

That night...if you asked me when my marriage was done, I go back to that night. I had no clue I blogged about it. And it ended with...here goes single momming it for a while...if only i knew.

Fast forward 3 years...

I've been a single mom for 2 years now. I'm divorced. I'm in the process of buying a home. Just broke up with my boyfriend of a year, and am trying to find a new "community". This stage in life is hard. Not bad, just hard. I am a far happier and better person today than i was two years ago. Removing my kids and i from numerous kinds of abuse was the best thing I ever did for us. Hardest thing...but best. Yes, i'm lonely. Yes, i hate going to work. Yes, I miss raising my kids and being a part of every detail of their lives...but I wouldn't change it.

Why? Let me tell you. I've spent the last few years finding me again. Who I am in Christ, who I am as a mom, who I am as an employee, a daughter, a friend and even a girlfriend. It's not all easy, and there are things i'm still discovering...but i'm finding ME. I've made some bad decisions, some good decisions, some mediocre decisions, but they were MINE. I didn't live in fear. I take that back, I did at times, but I learned how to start coming out of that. I learned that its okay to make my own choices, and learn from my own mistakes. I didn't always make the right ones, but I made a decision, not out of fear. I learned what love is. Im still learning, and have a long way to go, but for the first time...possibly ever, I felt Loved. Beautiful. Wanted. Smart. Worthy. Safe. Free. I attribute that to finding who I am in Christ, and also, to dating a pretty amazing guy.

My heart is broken tonight...again. But its a different broken. I'm no longer a victim in my own world. I read my last post, and i remember those long, ugly, lonely nights. the fear, pain, tears...fear. No one will ever know unless they've been there. It gives me perspective. Yes, my heart is sad. I miss him, I loved him. I cry...a lot. I don't want to be alone. I desire a best friend, a companion, a help mate. Moving on from heart break is hard...but he and "us" taught me so much. I wouldn't change it for a minute.

So tonight, I've been blasted back in time. Re-lived some ugly memories and thought a lot. Yes, my heart is broken, but its broken because i found love and was finally loved in return. I don't regret that heart ache. I'm thankful that i'm no longer that terrified, confused, lonely victim. Drowning and grasping for anything I can get.

I am a child of God. I am strong. I am an overcomer. I am a survivor. I am beautiful. I am able. I am loved...

To the man that walked with me and showed me love. Thank you. I am not loved because of you, but you showed and taught me how to be loved and how to receive and show love again. I am a better person today, because of you.