Folding clothes...

Hi, I'll be penning under the name of Ruth. :) I consider myself a very real person, and am quite tired of all the "fakeness" in this world. At times, I may be too real in some peoples eyes, but my prayer in my realness, bluntness or whatever you choose to call it, is that someone else who is right here, right now may find peace in knowing their not alone. I am in the middle of my story. I am in the middle of my life being tossed and turned in every which direction. I'll go more into my story later, but right now I'm just sharing today.

I stayed home from church this morning, as I'm not feeling the best. What I thought would be a time of resting and preparing for the gang to get back, has turned into a time of tears and pain. It's silly and emotional...that I know, but it's real. You see, yesterday was the first "fallish" day we've had. We decided to go to the fair. As I got my kids dressed I realized my daughter had nothing that fit her. She's grown too much since last winter. While putting on outfit after outfit trying to find something warm and long enough she squealed in excitement, "Mommy!!! SHOPPING!!!" It made my heart happy. We don't shop that much, actually she's only been twice, but she loves it. We're at a stage in our life where money is very tight, so I don't even walk into stores to prevent myself from wanting. I called my husband in the room and showed him what we were dealing with. It was obvious a shopping trip was in order for after the fair.
We went to the fair and had a great time. Mid afternoon my husband brought us home so we could nap and took my son back for rides. After we napped we went on our special date. My daughter and I loved every minute of it. Picking out outfits, trying on clothes, telling me what she would and would not wear. (mind you, she is TWO) She kept kissing me and telling me how much she loved me and our date. It melted my heart to have my first real shopping trip with my little girl, and thinking of all that would come in the future. We finished our trip, went and shared some dinner, came home did the bed thing, read a book and tucked her in. She ate up every minute of it, as did I!
This morning I went to put her new clothes away, and what started as, 'this doesn't fit anymore' turned into me cleaning out everything. As I boxed it up, all I could do is sob. I sat in her room with a million thoughts and emotions running through my head and all I could do is cry. Tears of joy, fun, sorrow and bitterness. Seem weird? Not if you know me...I'll share a little going through my head...

Joy, happiness, and fun...This little angel is a crack up. She has been such a blessing in my life. I didn't want a girl, but I am beyond thankful I got one! She's so much like me, sometimes I hate to admit it. She always has me on my toes, always has us in laughter, is beyond hard to discipline because its always funny. When things are hard, she will find a way to make me laugh. She's a cuddle bug and just a pure delight. I wouldn't change a thing. My happy tears are tears of, its gone too quick. I want to freeze time. Two is my favorite age and it's going way too quick.
Then there are my tears of sorrow and bitterness. You see, I wasn't ready to get pregnant when we had her, but my husband was. He was deployed and home for R&R and I couldn't say no. My pregnancy was beyond difficult. I had heart complications  and found myself having to crawl just to take care of my son. We moved 2 weeks after I had her. I got mastitis 3 times and postpartum depression. Life was hard, and I didn't enjoy having a baby. On top of that she became colic. I pretty much cried nightly as I was alone, dealing with her and all she did was scream. Nothing I did could make it stop. It started at 7 every night and went till about 4 in the morning. My husband was house hunting while I lived with my parents until he found something. We eventually moved into our own home. It was the hardest year of my life. My son was 3 and who ever said terrible twos is crazy. Three was HARD! My daughter was colic and my husband and I were trying to learn how to live together since he got back from deployment. I had no friends and was alone. I found myself, unable to function for anything other than tending to the needs of my kids. The idea of showering made me cry. Everything was overwhelming and more than I could handle. I kept trying to reach out to my husband, but found myself in tears every time. I very much considered myself a single parent, until recently. Life went on, but I never found that 'closeness' from my husband I was looking for. At that time, he was a youth leader at our church, leading Bible studies and doing all the "Godly" things. I can't not allow that, can I? So I kept trying to be the good wife. I wanted him to brag on me like everyone else you see. You know, those wives who are 'perfect'. Godly, gorgeous, skinny, cook an amazing meal every night, have a clean home 24/7, amazing mom and so on? Everyone but me is one of those wives, right? So I kept trying...and trying...and trying. While he was at work, I'd cry. All day...every day. When he'd come home, I'd put on that face and do my best. Why wasn't my best enough? Wasn't I good enough, what's wrong with me? So I fell into a deeper and deeper depression and bitterness. I'd cry out to God to help, but felt so alone. Where was God. Why was my husband such a godly leader in our church and among all these boys and yet I'm this horrid, lonely wife bitter about it and in tears every time he turns around? I remember crying one night, begging God to fix our marriage (little did I know what I was truly asking for, what God would allow in our lives to get us where we needed to be.). Whatever it takes, Lord, just help! I'm so lonely,  and I can't keep doing this. Very soon after that night, I found myself checking my husbands email one morning. I'll never forget that day... that email...the pain. My husband was having an affair. The email was all about how wrong I am and right she is. She hit every insecurity I had and told him how she was better and he should choose her. I still didn't believe it. I thought I was reading something wrong. So I called him and asked, he was quiet, and finally said, yes. My life was over as I knew it. Here I am with a baby and 3 year old, a stay at home mom and what do I do now? Well, that's for another time, but all this is going through my head as I fold my daughters clothes and boxing them. (you were starting to wonder what this had to do with cleaning her closet, huh?! :) ) I find myself struggling with feelings of pain, hurt, disappointment and bitterness. Feeling like it's gone way too fast, and wondering how much of HER I missed in the last year and a half because of all the heartache and pain since she's been born. See, we're done having kids, we need to focus on us, and while I LOVE my 'perfect' (ha ha, far from it) family, I wonder what would it be like to have another. Have another with my husband actually here for me, helping me and when I was ready. At the same time, I'm done! Don't want any more. So she is my last. My baby. My angel.
 I look at every outfit and have memories. Memories or when she wore that, and those snap shots we take in our head and heart. I can't help but remember the good and bad. I can't help but be sad at how quick she's growing and wonder how much I missed because my life was falling apart. Did I cherish each moment like I did my son? Did I give her all the love and attention she needed. Did I cherish each hug like it was my last? I will never have a two year old again, have I cherished each moment or have I been too occupied with my life and all the pain and hurt that's been going on?
So here I sit. I love the stage we're in! But I can't help but have mixed tears as I fold each adorable dress and shirt and pant and find myself overwhelmed by feelings of: happiness, laughter, joy, tears, pain and lets be honest...bitterness. Bitterness is such an ugly word. As a Christian, I know it's wrong, but it's real. I know the 'christian' response to me right now. "She shouldn't be bitter, she should be better. Let God heal that bitterness. She must not be relying on God" You may have thought one or two of those things yourself, and it's okay, two years ago I would have too. But let me tell you something. When your world gets ripped upside down, and everything you found security in gets tried and tested, you can't help but have bitterness and anger and pain. It's REAL! I'm not perfect, far from it! But here's what I know: God loves me. He loves me in my bitterness, pain and tears. He's big enough to handle it. And none of us will heal until we walk through the ugly. Until you walk through the ugly, nastiness of your life and heart, you will only be covering up your real heart. So as I walk daily through my ugliness, I strive to heal. To be real. To forgive...to find and rest in the God who loves me right here and now.

That's a lot to go through your head while folding clothes, right?! Maybe now you understand why I'm sobbing as I fold them...for me folding my babies clothes was far more than folding her clothes.