I avoid the doctor like crazy. I hate it. Every part of it. Sitting on hold to make an appointment, trying to haul my kids in/and or find a babysitter, waiting anxiously in the waiting room wondering if anyone around me has the flu and will I have it when I leave, and then trying to tell someone who doesn't know you what's wrong, in a way that your taken seriously but don't sound like a baby. Can't we just skip the doctor? Well, I do every chance I get. However, a year and a half ago I was falsely (or so we hope) diagnosed with breast cancer. (a year plus ago- yes, a month after finding out about the affair. fun times, huh!?) I went through numerous tests, operations and a surgeries all to in the end be told, "It all looks good, come back in 6 months for a follow up, just to make sure." Well, six months was the month we didn't have health insurance. My husband just got out of the military, and got a new job in Oklahoma. So I had to wait until our new insurance got set up. Then I put it off as long as I could...but my mom and friends found out I hadn't gone in yet. I love them all to pieces. Their great! But lets be honest, there's a point when you will go to the doctor so you can't stop hearing about it. lol I set up my "yearly" (lets be honest, its been two years) and it was this morning. When I arrived my new doc had my medical records in hand and wanted to talk all about the breast scare. All he had was images, no notes, so he still doesn't like what he sees. So now what should be a follow up MRI has turned into going into a specialist and who knows what else, 'just to make sure'. Not gonna lie...a little nervous about that. I just want it done.
Next, what prescription medications are you on? Here's where I finally do it. I finally get the nerve to ask for an anti depressant. Even writing it makes me feel like a failure. See, I grew up in extreme legalism. If you were depressed you must not be relying on God and your spiritual walk is not what it should. If your sad, your not giving it to God. If you're worrying you're not relying on Him and so forth. This has been a battle for me for years. I was given anti depressants for my postpartum and to be honest, never took them. They still sit in my cupboard and stare at me. Screaming that I'm a failure, I'm not enough, my walk with the Lord is a mess, can't I just find the 'joy of the Lord'? But the bottom line is this: First, God loves me right where I am, that is a promise I'm desperately trying to believe. Second, I cry a lot. I'm in a new part of the country, with no friends, no family, kids that want to move back and a marriage that is HARD (but getting better!). And third, my crying and stress leads me to have intense migraines. One that put me in bed most of the day yesterday and almost landed me in the hospital last night. It is past time for me to ask for help. I can't do this alone and being 'tough' isn't working. So I tell the doc. I'm struggling with migraines and depression and really need something to help. We discuss that for a bit and he agrees. (Whew! He's not treating me like i'm crazy yet!)
Then the dreaded pap smear. The whole, spread your legs bald eagle, for a not horrid looking, young doctor, while he digs around in your...well, you know! Can you say nerves high! Naturally, his nurse would be sick so he had someone new. Who knew where nothing is. And naturally everything that could go wrong did. She had to leave the room for new supplies multiple times, he couldn't reach my cervix for the longest time, because I have an abnormal one...ha ha that made me chuckle. Me! abnormal? ya don't say! Anyways, that dreaded thing was done. I'm now sitting up, trying not to shake from nerves on high and...
Now he wants my urine? Why? I've never given urine at a yearly. Oh, we just take your urine make sure you don't have gonorrhea or chlamydia. My heart sank, and I instantly started crying. Ugh! Now I look like the crazy idiot. The doc asked if I was okay. My response, "Do you understand why I need anti depressants now?" He still looked confused and I could tell that response would not suffice. I informed him that my husband had been unfaithful, and that I hadn't been tested, because I couldn't bring myself to do it. Which just opened up a whole slew of questions about how he would like to run blood tests and what not, just to make sure. In tears, I told him I needed more time. The pee was hard enough right now. He agreed to take my blood in two weeks when I go back for a follow up....don't judge me if I don't go.
How do you process this? How am I supposed to feel about this? Should I just ignore it like normal and pretend it doesn't bother me until I don't remember? I'm not really sure. But this I know... last week sucked. I'm struggling with all the emotions of memories from the last couple years. My kids were sick, followed by me getting sick and I'm beyond home sick. Then I got the worst migraine of my life after yesterday's sob fest (refer to folding clothes post) and now they have re opened concern about my breast and want to test me for sexually transmitted diseases. My mind tells me it shouldn't be a big deal, like I should just roll with with this one, but my heart is sad. The last several days I've been holding back tears at every turn and I just want to be normal.... why God? Why can't my life just be 'normal'?
Ruth
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